I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
