I wannas sexs uuuuu
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
