when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
