Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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