Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you will always have a special place in my vag
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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