Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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