Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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