Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
