If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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