Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
