remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
