Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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