Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
