What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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