Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
