Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
