Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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