Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just pee around me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
