i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
