I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
