I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
