So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
