I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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