i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
