he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
