alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
