i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
