After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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