hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
