Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
