could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
