Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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