You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
