things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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