...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
