Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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