I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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