I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
