:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
