We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
