I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
