if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
