It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
