I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
