Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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