You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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