my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
