Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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