You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
