I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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