i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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