I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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