You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
