the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
