so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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