Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
