is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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