The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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